What Happens When You Try to Apologize, and It Doesn't Go Like You Hoped?

Recently, I have been bothered by several events in my past. One event happened about 30 years ago. It involved buying a house. I was young. Very young and probably too young to be buying a house but it comes with a story. Doesn’t everything?

My parents and I went through a time of financial hardship. We lost our home due to the divorce brought on by my biological father’s affair when I was eleven. The end result was that we lived in various apartments for the majority of my childhood and college days.

After I graduated from nursing school, I began to work as an RN for a whopping $9 a hour. Yes, we made big money back then, not. I even had to work two different shifts to get full time hours. It was not what I expected but I was fortunate to get a job at all back then as there were a glut of nurses.

Anyway, after seeing what my parents went through for me and experiencing my own financial hardship, I told my mom that I would buy a house for her so that her and my dad would always have a place to live. They would never have to worry about living in an apartment again or having a roof over their head.

Fast forward a couple years and it came time to buy my parents a house. I knew nothing of the process, so I let my parents handle it. My mom used to sell real estate back in the day and was quite good at it. So, I felt confident and let her have at it. I was busy working and really didn’t have time anyway. I did not really care what they bought as long as I had a bedroom and bathroom to call my own.

Mom and dad soon found a house and sent me off to see it. I said fine and the lady realtor began to work on paperwork. Denise was young, blond, and hyper. She was also quite pushy. We sat down at a table in some restaurant, and she “educated” me on how to make an offer for a house. She made it quick and was definitely a “no bones” about it person when she stated what she thought I should offer. She brushed my counter offers aside and told me how unrealistic I was being. She stuck to what she thought would be accepted. I was young and clueless and got taken for a ride.

The people selling the house took the offer and so the process began. The transition was not a pretty one to say the least. I will spare you the details as I cannot really remember them and I pretty much had nothing to do with all that went on. I was busy working through most of it. I just had to show up at the end to sign papers and collect the keys, but I can tell you that the transaction got pretty ugly all the way through the end.

I will say that the sellers of the home had a nice realtor. His name is Mike. When we moved in, things were found broken. The tile in the utility room was torn up from where they moved out their washer and dryer. The chimney had a huge crack in it and was deemed unsafe. It required an expensive metal liner. But worse yet, the air conditioner was broken.

Having asthma and having a broken air conditioner in the summer is not a good combination. My realtor refused to do anything about it. We had used her whole home house inspector per her instructions. He had found none of the broken items. She refused to help and I felt angry and abandoned. I knew nothing about buying a house and this was turning out to be a very bad experience.

Since my realtor would not help, the selling realtor was contacted. Again, I do not think it was pretty but he kindly bought us a new air conditioner. Nothing fancy but it worked, and it worked well.

Knowing nothing about real estate, apparently something occurred that would put Denise’s commission in jeopardy should Mike file a complaint. I have no clue what that was but apparently it was serious. I remember having a conversation with Mike about how he was considering reporting her to the Board of Realtors. This meant nothing to me as I didn’t even know who the Board of Realtors was or what the infraction was. Remember, I was young, and this was my first time buying a house. The internet was just getting going back then. It’s not like I googled the process or had experience. I left everything up to my folks. Isn’t that what young, busy people do? Again, I was young and naïve.

If there are any realtors out there. Let me give you a word of advice. Don’t complain about a person’s realtor to them. It’s really best if you keep your thoughts and complaints to yourself. This is especially true if the person is young and naïve. Clueless to the world of real estate. Not to mention, when a person does not understand what all is going on, they really don’t care. Plus, it puts you in a bad light.

Mike decided not to file a complaint against Denise, I guess. I would not have minded because I did not like her anyway. Part of me wish he had. To me, buying that house was a nightmare. The paper work. The legal issues. The hassle of moving in. And then there was the neighbors.

There was a lot of bad blood between everyone in this housing transaction and I felt it among our new neighbors. You see, the realtor lived right down the street from our new home. It was very uncomfortable for many years, and I felt less than welcome in the neighborhood for a very long time. And I didn’t even understand what was going on. Again, I was young and clueless. I just knew I was not welcomed in my new neighborhood.

The Neighborhood Aftermath

When the seller’s real estate person lives on the same street and is friends with everyone? That makes for an uncomfortable start. I honestly felt ostracized for years in my own new neighborhood. My parents and I kept to ourselves, and we simply lived our lives. It wasn’t until new neighbors moved in and others moved out that I began to feel comfortable and welcomed on my own street.

Kathy Hampton was my first true friend and neighbor on my street and was my only friend for almost 20 years. I watched her daughters grow up. One had two babies that are now in high school and junior high. I had the joy of having a family grow around me. They have since moved but we keep in touch on Facebook. I miss them dearly.

Then came Barry. I have known Barry now for over five years. He lives next store to me and has been one of the best friends I have had in my adult life. I watch over him and he watches over us. I know I can always count on him in an emergency. Even if that just means watching the dog while I handle medical issues on my side. He has been a huge blessing in my life.

During COVID, I had a chance to come closer with another set of neighbors. Jim and Deb. I have found them to be some of the most caring, helpful, and friendly people who have lived on my street longer than me. During the lockdown, they checked on us regularly. They bought us supplies when needed but most importantly, we grew closer as neighbors making me wish we had really become friends a long time ago. Why is this neighborly friendship so surprising? Because they lived right next door to Mike. Yes, Mike.

I lost out on a great friendship with my new neighbors because of something that happened during a real estate transaction. Years of friendships were lost. I cannot even remember the things that happened, but I am sure no one side was at fault. I remember, bickering, arguing, dealing with a crappy realtor, and a genuine pain in the butt life event of buying a house. But now I sit at a new horizon.

Not All Was Lost

Over the past couple of years, I have made many new acquaintances as I began walking my newest fur baby and riding my bike around my home. I make it a point now to smile and say hi to people all around the plat, waving as I ride down the street or walk my dog. I can now tell you almost every one’s first

names on not only my street but the neighboring streets. It is a great feeling to be able to do that. It reminds me of a small community setting. It’s not by any means and there are more unfriendly people than friendly, but this is my reality, be it real or just what I dream of.

What happens to someone in a business exchange such as buying a house doesn’t just affect those selling or buying the house. It has the ability to affect the entire neighborhood and relationships for years to come should something go wrong or in this case, a realtor lives in the same neighborhood.

It has taken years to build up good relationships with my neighbors. Even then, you are not sure what is said about you behind closed doors. And when a good friend and neighbor moves out? You start all over again with the new neighbors, if they are friendly. Anyway, I digress. Let me get back to the reason for this post today.

My Continued Effort to Apologize

As I said in my last post, people have been placed on my heart. These are people who I wished I had talked to, people I have hurt in some way, or people who were hurt by my actions. Mike is one of those people. Yes, he got into it and said things about my so-called realtor, but I am thinking he had a right. Mike was decent to us. My realtor left us high and dry. To this day she is sucking the financial life out of people in the richer part of town now.

Anyway, I had been thinking about Mike off and on now for some time. I had felt called to apologize to him for how things had turned out, even though I did not understand everything. He still did not deserve to have to go through that experience. None of us did. Well, maybe Denise. But not Mike. And he did step up and make things right.

I Googled his name and found out he was still practicing real estate. He even became a manager of his own branch. Good for him, I thought. I looked at his picture. I remember how tall he was. He was thin back then. He is not so thin now and he has quite a bit of grey hair. A big difference from his full brown mane he had back in the day. He looked just like I remembered him, just older, grayer, and more fuller in stature.

I had thought about calling him several times, but I didn’t. I could have even stopped by his office but then there is this COVID thing going on still. Then, my neighbor told me that he never sold his house on this street. He rented it out. Then it happened.

On my way home from a grocery store run, I saw him. He was at his old house. There he was, painting the garage door of his old home for his renters. I knew it was him. Strange, he would be doing the work himself. Certainly, he had people for that by now right?

I figured he would be gone soon so I pulled in the driveway and carried in the groceries. I finished putting everything a way and needed to walk the dog. I would be walking right past his property.

I put the dog on the leash and headed out. I saw him there, painting the garage. I was on the other side of the street. I kept going, never saying a word to Mike. I said hi to Tony, my neighbor who rents Mikes house and to Jim, his next door neighbor he is cattycorner from my house.

I walked the dog but did not get far until I had to turn around. I normally walk the whole block but not today. I came back the same way I started and decided to walk on Mike’s side of the road. I was going to do it. I was going to apologize.

I got to the house and Mike was still painting. I called out to him and joked with him asking about people to do that for him. He never turned around but made a comment back about how he liked to do things like this. Pretty much what I figured.

I then went on to apologize for what happened years ago. I told him he was the better realtor and I had referred people to him. We talked a little about Denise and how she had aggressively tried to take the market. As Mike said, she things she wrote the book on real estate. I tried to talk a little more but the renter, Tony, decided to run his leaf blower right between us so I could not effectively talk to Mike. I apologized again and went on my way.

The whole event did not go like I had imagined many times, but I did what I felt called to do, apologize. I tried. I often did not have many words to fill in the blank spots but at least I tried. Here is what I experienced. Maybe, some of you have had the same thing happen to you.

During the entire time that I was trying to apologize to Mike, he never looked at me one time. That is right, not once. He kept painting the garage door. We, or I, talked for about five minutes and during the entire exchange, he did not look at me once. This brings me to the point of this post.

When it Doesn’t Go as You Expect

You cannot take responsibility for how people respond or don’t respond to you when you are trying to make amends. Do not take that burden on to yourself. If you follow God’s prompting and do what you are supposed to do, you are done.

Hear me when I say this. You cannot help it if the person you are trying to apologize to you does not look at you, respond back to you, or accepts your apology.

There are people who will accept your apology and others who will either ignore you or come after you. You need to be prepared for whatever response you may get. You can’t prepare for every response that you may receive but you can be aware that things may not go as you imagine them to.

I was not prepared to be ignored. At least that is how I felt, and I may have deserved it. I cannot remember everything that happened almost 30 years ago. But events and actions leave impressions on people and their hearts. Those impressions can be permanent, and people’s actions can leave scars on those they inflict pain on. Sometimes, it is impossible to make amends. The important thing is that you follow God’s lead. It’s up to God to do the rest.

As far as I know, Mike may not have been ready to hear my apology. He may not have believed I was sincere. I certainly had nothing to gain from it. I just know I owed it to him. Was he totally innocent in everything that happened? No, but he still did not deserve to go through hell selling a house. No one does, including me. He was a nice guy as far as I knew. I would choose him for a realtor should I ever sell this home. And trust me, it’s hard to find a good realtor.

But here is what it comes down to. We are human. We will make mistakes. We will do bad things. We will say bad things. It is important to recognize when we are wrong and try to make things right, when possible. We are called to be in a good relationship with others. Look at what the Bible says about relationships.

Romans 12:10

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Mark 12:31

The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

1 Peter 3:8

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.

Okay, so no where do I see where the Bible says hate that person until the end of time. Talk bad about people. Fight and argue. And whatever you do, be sure to cause strife.

Nope. I see the opposite. We are to love, forgive, comfort, and build each other up. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 tells us this. And when we do until others, we do unto the King. Now, this is a good thing when we are helping our brothers and sisters but when we are hurting them and causing strife? We hurt our Lord and the Kingdom.

So, what are we supposed to do in these situations? Here is how we are to biblically handle wrongs and conflict. Check out these straightforward Bible verses…

Hebrews 12:14-15

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

Matthew 18:15-17

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

1 Peter 3:8-12 says this, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

Believers are called to have love for one another, not contempt (John 13:5). We are called to forgive others. Even if it is multiple times. Check out Luke 17:4. Hebrews 12:14 tells us to strive for peace with everyone. Not just some people. If that means you need to apologize to someone, then do it. We should not be a stumbling stone to others.

Check out this web page for more examples: https://www.openbible.info/topics/apologizing

Let’s bring this home with this Scripture verse. I am putting it in bold and red on purpose.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Did you catch that? If we forgive others, God forgives us. When we don’t forgive others and when we hold grudges, God does not forgive us.

You see, there is a reason to forgive and to apologize. It’s not just to make us feel good, though both actions have positive effects on our physical and mental well-being. It releases us. It puts us right with God.

We are told to forgive. We are told to go to our brothers and sisters to work things out. It is biblical. It is what Jesus wants us to do. This includes apologizing and attempting to right a wrong. It is these actions that grow us in our spiritual formation, transforming us more into the image of Jesus.

You many not get the warm fuzzy response you are hoping for when you go to right a wrong or to apologize. You may get that response, but it could turn out to be totally different. You may get the silent treatment. Someone may yell at you and dump all the hurt and anger they have been holding inside themselves. You may even have someone who decides to not look at you while you are trying to talk to them. That certainly spoke droves but I continued on and did what I felt called to do.

It is okay. Not everyone is where you are in your spiritual journey. Not everyone is ready to hear an apology. Truth be told, and we all know this, it is better to avoid getting in situations like this in the first place. But it happens.

Be strong in the Lord. Follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Make right when you can. Avoid causing strife in the first place. And should you reach out to apologize to someone, if it goes sour, don’t take their actions or responses onto yourself.

All our lives are heavy in their own way. We do not need to carry the burden of others on top of our own load. If you followed the Lord’s prompting and honestly and sincerely apologized to someone, you have done what you were led to do. Do not dwell on someone’s negative response to your apologize. That is not your burden to carry. Pray to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to intervene as only the Holy Spirit can do. Seek His peace and move on with your spiritual journey.

Feel free to share your stories. Comment as you feel led.

Peace,

Janet