It’s Not Just a Tree! When Will the Pain Stop?

Have you ever been violated? Physically, emotionally, spiritually? Have you ever suffered the loss of something you owned? Maybe someone crashed into your car or stole something from you. Or maybe someone came onto your property, stealing what belonged to you or damaging it beyond repair?

It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? That feeling of loss. The anger that comes with it. The disbelief that someone could do such a thing to another person or person’s property? That is what I am experiencing right now.

It’s a very vulnerable position to be in. The feelings are raw and unstable. They make walking the Christian walk so much more difficult. Almost, impossible.

It’s different for every one of us, so be careful not to judge someone’s feelings about the loss of property or actions against someone. You are not them and they are not you. That comment reminds me of the new single put out by For King and Country. Have you heard it? It’s called relate. I love these two guys so don’t be surprised if I refer to them a lot. Here is a link to the song in case you have not heard it. https://youtu.be/Y7CnoV6P6zc

So, why am I talking about being violated? Things did not go well with the tree cutting. In fact, I was violated. My tree was violated. My yard was violated. I am hurting, deeply. My tree is all but gone, with only a few branches remaining.

Yes, the trimmer hired by my backyard neighbor, who is really an animal removal person, desecrated my tree. He cut branches off that were growing in my yard and toward my home. He cut branches off to the trunk of the tree, not just trimming them. Multiple cuts back to the trunk of the tree, many growing up or toward my yard. Worse, he topped the tree, forever preventing it from growing upward again.

The arborist gives little hope for my innocent tree. I observed peace in the name of the Lord and for my own health which is not well right now and my reward was a massacred tree, violated property, and the presence of guilt and hurt which I must live with forever. Could this really be God’s plan? Surely not.

How someone else believes they have the right to come over 10 feet into someone else’s property because a tree is dropping leaves into their inground pool goes beyond my comprehension. I know longer feel safe. I feel that my safe haven is now no more. The place where I live and work out of 24/7 is no longer what it once was. I do not feel safe here anymore. I am afraid and I feel a deep sense of loss.

When I ride my bike around my block, I now see a baren and naked tree from the other streets. My neighbors have noticed it and have asked me why I left the tree with leaves just in my yard? Am I going to finish the job and cut it down? It was not my job, I respond. I did not authorize this. The backyard neighbor did this without my permission is my response. Then I hear their comments of disbelief.

View from the Awful Backyard Neighbor

View from One of My Side Streets

This is what I must now live with as I ride or walk around my own block. A lump lives in my stomach and I no longer wish to sit out on my patio or face my neighbors. I am embarrassed in front of my own neighbors and community.

This backyard that I call home and is my sanctuary has been violated. The place where I spend or spent some quiet time is now filled with the loss of life and screams of pain. It is no more and will never be the same ever again. Even if the tree survives, the arborist said it will never look the same. It has been forever changed and so have I.

I feel as if I have been “topped” just like that tree. Stunted and in shock. I am numb. I cry. I get angry. I get depressed and withdraw from others. Will I make it through this? What could there be possibly to learn? What are my next steps? I do not want this man, this backyard neighbor near me ever again. He repulses me and at the same time I fear him. Dread I say it, I hate him and what he did to me and my tree.

This is no where near a Christian response should be. I am not ready for that right now. I need time to think, process, and heal from this. I am commanded to forgive him, but I am not commanded to have anything to do with him.

God is a God of justice. I must believe He would not want me to suffer from this man’s actions, would He? What is the point? What did I miss? There must be something more to it. But what? What will come out of all this? What will I learn? Will I know soon or later, years down the road? But it hurts so bad, and the hurt will not go away soon. I will watch what happens to my tree. I will wait to see if it brings forth life next spring. I will painfully go through this process over time. It will not just go away. It is not just a tree but LIFE.

My mind rarely stays calm since the event. I constantly think about what I should have done, how I should have handled it, comments that I should have said. It is unrelenting and tormenting. My mind and soul know no rest. I wake up with the thoughts in the middle of the night, in the morning, and every quiet part of my day. It is unrelenting.

Life

I care for my parents here in my house. I feed them, get them their medications, help them ambulate through the house, drive them to appointments, and watch over their medical and cognitive status. I help them to stay alive. I have been a nurse for over 35 years, nine years in ICU/CCU where I fought the life and death battle with my patients. This is more than just a tree. This is about life. Life that is precious to me.

My Family

When I moved into my home in 1993, we planted three trees. One for mom, one for dad, and one for me. Over the years, I have watched these trees grow. Mom’s is a weeping willow. It is huge now. It is also half gone. You see, Ike swept through my backyard and took half of that tree. But just like my mom, it is still growing.

My dad is the quiet type. He chose a Japanese Maple. They are very slow growing. I thought it would never grow. But it has and now it produces the most beautiful fall foliage. Bright reds and orange. It is stunning.

Me, I chose a flowering pear type tree. It grew fast and tall. But over time, the tree has fanned out and the branches have died. It looks tired and weary, just like me. I feel like my tree.

Have you experienced the loss of something? Have you been violated in some way that hits you to the core? Maybe, it wasn’t your core that got hit but just as important? What did you do? How did you survive? Please share in the comments.

Growing spiritually comes in all different types of life events, even through the brutal act of cutting down someone’s tree. Everything is an opportunity to grow, no matter how painful. The pain is real for me, even if it might not be to you.

I went back to my quiet corner of the yard where the attack occurred this past Sunday. As I stood there, looking at my tree, I heard a chirp and song behind me. Then in front of me. Here is what I found.

What does it mean? I know God talks to me through animals and nature. I watched as the bird bounced from cut off branch to branch, looking at me, chirping. Then it jumped onto the awful backyard neighbor’s fence.

I was saddened. I hope she did not have a nest in the tree. Maybe, she was just trying to send me a message, but I am not sure what the message is yet. If you have an idea, please share.

Peace,

Janet