Is That Really You God?

The summer between my Formation Two class and Formation Three class continued to be a time of searching. I had heard God speak to me through my cohort friend, “Janet, you are called. Don’t ever forget it.” Those words and that moment replayed over and over in my mind that summer. I was ready to walk away from everything and God spoke. I had asked God two questions, “am I called” and “what do you want from me,” and He answered my first question in a very direct way.

I made a very hard decision that summer. I left the startup church, giving up my social media ministry. I was in conflict and still learning how to deal with the fact that my dreams for having my own church was not going to be happening on my schedule. My anger was doing no one any good. I was jealous and hurt. My attitude was corrosive. I needed time to process and come to accept the losses that were building up in front of me.

I frequently had to remain at home most of the time now, including Sunday mornings to care for my parents. I was no longer able to hold a ministry position in the church as I never knew when an emergency might arise. I felt it was for the best of everyone involved. I made the difficult decision to step away and assume my new role as caregiver 24/7 to my parents.

I was filled with anger and resentment. I could not understand why God would tell me that I was called and then take away my ministries over the past several years. I watched as my life spiraled out of control. I felt my life was circling down the drain. My freedom to live my life as I wanted was quickly becoming non-existent. I was no longer the person I use to be. Remember, spiritual formation is a process.

My spiritual life was in shambles despite being in seminary. I could no longer get to an actual church service. I pulled away from watching on-line services. My Bible laid untouched for months and months. God did answer one of the two questions that I had asked of Him. So, I kept my commitment and stayed enrolled in seminary. Formation Three was starting in just several months and I wondered what it would hold. I doubt if it could be any worse than Formation Two.

With my ministry responsibilities now gone, the summer allowed me time to calm my mind. I had a chance to breathe and focus on me; something I had not had a lot of time to do caring for mom and dad. I went back to watching a few on-line sermons. I listened intently for any messages that may have been meant for me.

I remember watching Pastor Todd talk about Zacharias and how he climbed up in a tree to search for God. He encouraged us to do the same and not stop when we face challenges but to do what we had to do in order to seek and find Jesus. “If we really want to seek God, we need to put in some effort. Sometimes we must climb the trees in order to see God,” said Pastor Todd one Sunday. That struck a note with me. If I wanted to see God, maybe I needed to put in some effort. Maybe, it was time to climb that tree.

Spiritual formation is a two-way street. We, as believers need to be willing and open, letting the Holy Spirit intercede in our lives and bring us into the presence of God. Well, maybe it is more than a two-way street since we are dealing with the Trinity, but it still takes action in part of the believer for the process to occur.

Being in the middle of spiritual warfare, I did not even have a clue that I was also in the midst of spiritual formation. I still wasn’t even sure what spiritual formation was. I just knew that I was lost, hurting, and angry. But I knew that God had spoken to me once, so He had not left me.

If God did not leave me, then He was still there. I did not understand why I was having to go through everything I had in the past two years or why my dreams for running a church had been put on hold to care for my parents but there had to be some reason, some plan. The hard part was trying to figure it out and accept the losses I was facing, my freedom to live my life and to be in ministry full time.

The Answer to My Second Question

If Zacharias could climb a tree to get a glimpse of Jesus, so could I. Well, not literally but if I wanted to hear from God, I should at least try instead of waiting for Him to come to me. I will admit my heart was not truly in it. I was struggling. Remember, God knows your heart. He created you and knew you from before you were formed in the womb (Jer. 1:5). God saw my struggles. I didn’t really have any expectations that God would speak to me again. After all, He did reach out to me and speak to me through my brother Wade, something totally unexpected and unbelievable. A God thing for sure and He did it in a way I would always remember it.

I went to the most basic spiritual discipline, reading God’s Word. I decided I would spend a little time each night before bed and read my Bible. I would open the Bible app on my iPad and read several chapters. I started in the book of John.

I had been reading for a couple of weeks when it happened. The chapters I were reading were not significant. Not that God’s Word is not significant as it is all living and breathing, it’s just that these were simple introductory verses.

It just happened. Right there in John chapter 7. I had started at the top of the chapter and before I hit the third verse, it happened. There were no expectations. No plea on my part. It just happened. A warm glow emitted from my iPad and enveloped my face. Tears began to stream from my eyes for no reason. I felt a peace like no other. Then I heard it. “Love me, just love me.”

All God wanted from me was to love Him. The warm glow lasted a bit longer and then it was gone. I laid in my bed dumbstruck. God had just talked to me directly. He just answered my second question, “What do you want from me?”

God wanted me to just love Him. But how do I do that? I came to the realization that I really did not know how to love God. What does it mean to love God? That is a story for another day but for now, the God of the universe had answered my question in a way that only He could.

Though He left me with more questions than answers, my God spoke to me. I felt the surrounding presence of God and the warmth and peace that came with it. I will tell you it is indescribable. All God wanted from me was to love Him. No fancy ministry efforts. No big hoop la. All He wanted from me was to love Him.

As the summer went on, I had to face the realities of my life, spiritual and physical. This was not my time. This was not my season. I had to let go of my dreams and walk the path of responsibilities unfolding before me. It was a hard pill to swallow. I had so much anger and resentment inside of me that needed to be processed. I had heard from God. All He wanted was for me to love Him. I was tired and bruised from the fight. I needed time to accept my new life. It was time to heal.

Transformation Examples in the Bible

My encounter with God was years ago. Thinking about it know it seems surreal. No doubt, it may sound corny or unbelievable, except to those who have experienced the same thing or something similar. How does one share something like this and have people believe it? Some will and some won’t, and they have every right to be skeptical. I would be skeptical too if I had not experienced it myself. But the older I get and the more experiences I have in my life, there are times when I have to say without a doubt, that was God.

Quite frankly, there are no words for how I felt at that moment or to completely describe what I experienced. To have a warm yellow glow surround my face and have tears pour from my eyes unprovoked would be quite unnerving if I had not heard the voice of God answering my question.

Looking back at the event years later in preparation to share this it with others, Scripture was brought to my mind. Scripture that demonstrated something similar, Scripture that talked about a glowing transformation.

There are several passages that talk about the glowing power of God and transformation in the Old and New Testament. Exodus 34:29 tells of Moses’s face radiating with a glow after being in the presence of the Lord, so strong that it scared the Israelites. Moses was in the presence of God and experienced transformation.

Jesus transformed and shown like the sun in Matthew 17:2 when He was in the presence of Moses and Elijah. When we are in the presence of God, we are transformed into His image. Jesus is the radiance of glory as told in Hebrews 1:3. 2 Corinthians 3:18 tells us, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.” When we spend time with Jesus, we spend time in the presence of the Lord. Just as Moses reflected the glow of God, we reflect the glow of Jesus.

I cannot say this enough, spiritual formation is a process that we walk with God. There will be highs and there will be lows. The best way to survive the lows is to hunker down with Jesus and prepare ourselves in advance.

Read, know Scripture, and stay in prayer. It is okay to ask God questions. It is okay to be brutally honest with Him, He already knows what is on your mind and in your heart anyway. It is the anger to watch for. It is okay to be angry with God, just don’t let it drive you away from Him. Sometimes it is time for us to minister to others and sometimes it is time for us to be fed and ministered too.

Can you see yourself anywhere in what I’ve shared? Have you been neck deep in spiritual warfare before? Maybe you are living it now. Have you ever been brutally honest with God? If God answered you, how would you respond? Could you handle the truth about yourself?

Peace,

Janet