Have You Ever Wanted to Tell Someone You were Sorry for Something that Happened Long Ago?

I have been thinking about my past actions a lot lately and I do mean a lot. I have gone clear back to elementary and even preschool days and have looked at my actions and behaviors. There was one time in preschool I particularly remember. I remember coloring with crayons. The teacher came up to me and introduced a new kid to our class. I have no idea why she picked me but that was a huge mistake. I have always been pretty good at coloring. I enjoyed it. I was not really creative. You know, like mixing colors and such. My ability to shade was basic. But then again, we are talking preschool or kindergarten here. The teacher asked me to show the new kid how well I colored and stayed within the lines. Do not ask me why. I cannot remember. But I do remember my response. I took the crayon and scribbled all over the paper as hard and as messy as I could. Yes, I did.

I vaguely remember the teacher’s response but it was not a good one. Janet! Why did you do that? And some other not so nice things were said to me by her. I don’t remember them, but I do remember what I did. I just don’t know why. Do you ever wonder why you did things in your past? I remember another time. Grade school. I think it was fifth grade. Old enough that I should have known better but I obviously did not. It was Christmas time. The class was having a gift exchange. Can you see the trouble coming? We each brought a gift. The gifts were given numbers. Then we each pulled a number and went to get our gift. I can’t remember what gift I brought. No doubt, my dutiful mom picked out a gift and wrapped it on my behalf. But I do remember the gift I got. I pulled out a number. I was so excited. There were so many big boxes on the table, and I wanted to claim my big gift. I got to the table and tucked away in between the bigger gifts was a small box. A very small box. I mean small. Especially compared to the other big boxes.

They handed me my small box and I stared at it. I did not want it. I wanted another gift and I made that known. I was told by one of the parents that good things come in small packages and I do not think I responded favorably. I can only imagine what the parents thought of me and the parent who raised me. Apparently, I was pretty loud about it because the girl who brought the small gift began to cry. Her name was Marcie. She was one the sweetest girls in the class. Small in stature. Brown hair and very nice. I had made Marcie cry. I took my small box back to the table and when everyone had their gift, we opened them. Inside that small little box was the most precious thing I had ever seen, for someone in fifth grade. It was a Raggedy Ann pin. I had never heard of Raggedy Ann. I did not have any of her dolls. But here, Marcie had introduced me to her in the way of a pin. And I made Marcie cry. I came to love that pin and to this day am saddened because I lost it. I went on to ask for Raggedy Ann dolls both boy and girl. My mother had no clue why I would ask for such a thing, but she bought them for me. I have long since discovered that I was and still am spoiled. I think this builds into my anger issues since I can no longer have my way about things. I know. I can hear you now, “Ya think? Duh.” Marcie, I am so sorry that I hurt you that day. I was and still am a spoiled brat. But you did not deserve to be hurt like that. I am not proud of any of these moments. I am sure there are more from my early childhood, but these are the two I remember most. Then there is high school. I did several things I was not proud of in high school. For the most part, I was too ignorant and socially inept to know what was going on or that I was supposed to become part of some community. You know, pep club, choir, drama, jocks, nerds, hoods? I never even went to a football game or dance. No prom for me. I was always told I was too sick to go with my asthma. I had no coaching by my parents to get involved in anything. The few things I did get involved in, I stumbled upon, and I probably shouldn’t have been part of what I chose anyway. Everything was pretty much a disaster. I think of those stupid Facebook posts that ask, “If you could, would you relive your high school days?” Hell, no! I was totally socially ignorant and hated every minute of it. Yes, I have friends who say they would but then again, they were preppy and popular. I was one of the most mixed-up kids there. I had no idea where I belonged. I was not part of any group and my friends were an eclectic mix of jocks, preps, nerds, drama, and hoodlums. I did not fit in anywhere and no one wanted me. I regret not being a part of choir. That is one thing I can say. I tried to get involved in theatre, mainly because I know my brother was in it and apparently a big star on stage in high school. But I sucked at it. Just as Mr. Seiple. He was the drama teacher. He will tell you. I sucked.

I had more friends in drama than in any other group. I had a big crush on one guy. His name is Scott. He does not troll the FB pages or attend high school reunions. Apparently, high school was pretty bad for him, but I can’t see how. He was quiet, tall, brown hair, and so sweet. I adored him and could not even get closer than a hello. But I even managed to hurt him. Yup. One of the loves of my life and I hurt him. It was after graduation. I was coming out of Kroger. My hair was a mess, and I was wearing ratty sweats. If there was ever a time a girl would not want a guy to see her, this was that moment. And then it happened. There was Scott in the parking lot of Kroger, walking into the store. Here I was, bomb of a mess walking out. He saw me and waived, and I ignored him. Yes, I ignored him. Even now, I feel it in the pit of my stomach, and it hurts. How could I do such a thing? Vanity? Embarrassment? He obviously did not care but I did so I ignored him. What I did was wrong, and it hurt someone. I have never seen him again and it is 40 years later. I’ve tried to find him to apologize but I have had no luck. So, let me formally say right here, Scott, I am so sorry for not taking the time to talk to you and for ignoring you. It was not you; it was me and my vanity. I have one other story to share and it is high school based. Oh, how I wonder how all this happened and why I would think I was entitled in the way I was. It involves the high school newspaper. I joined in the last half of my junior year. I had gotten a camera and I wanted to take pictures for the paper. Why? I don’t know. Maybe, I thought it was a way for me to get out of the house and go to events. I would have an excuse to leave. Anyway, I joined the HS newspaper in my junior year and began to write stories and take photos. I never took the photos everyone expected me too. You know, sporting events and such. I just took pictures for my stories. This was another foopa on my part. I was just to lazy to go to the events. Scared too. I was not socially ready for such outings.

Mr. Muniz was over the newspaper. He was making decisions on who would be in what position next year. For some unknown reason, he was debating on whether to put me as the editor in chief or the news story editor. Looking back, I would have been fine just being a story writer. But not back then. I wanted a title and power. Something, I had never had all through high school. So, he did it. Mr. Muniz made me the editor in chief of the high school newspaper in my senior year. This caused quite a stir. You see, there was this girl by the name of Rajean Campbell Blomquist who was also up for the spot. She had been with the paper much longer than me and rightly deserved the spot. Instead, he made her the news story editor. She was robbed of something she was qualified for and deserved. Not having a clue of what I would be doing, Mr. Muniz sent me to a newspaper symposium for high school students at Ohio University in the summer before my Senior year started. This was the first time I was truly away from home for any length of time. I learned all about how to run a high school newspaper. I learned how to train your newspaper staff and then let them have their autonomy, as they should know by a certain point how to do their job. I learned about setting, printing, artwork, how to write editorials that get noticed, and more. The symposium was awesome. I left there feeling prepared to change and turn the world upside down. Senior year started and I began to implement what I was taught. My first project was revamping the newsroom. It was filled with posters from rock groups and junk layed everywhere. I asked Mr. Muniz if it was okay to clean up the room and he was excited. With a big smile he said to go for it and to feel free to take down those posters. So, filled with enthusiasm, I did just that. The posters came down and the room was cleared out. The newspaper room was now a professional looking place for the newspaper staff to work. Then, the s*#t hit the fan. What I did not know was that those rock concert posters belonged to someone still on the newspaper staff. To say she was upset was an understatement. This girl, who’s name I have forgotten, came after me big time. And she was tall and big boned. I did not know what to say. I was giving permission by Mr. Muniz. Yeah, that went far. I had just made a major foopa and there was no way out of it. I wish I could say that was the end of it but it was not. This major foopa followed me after graduation to our first high school reunion, the only one and the last one I will ever go to. That big gal still holds a grudge and anger toward me. During the HS reunion, she threatened to punch me. Yeah, she was drunk but it did not make me feel any better. I have steered clear of her and anything to do with high school reunions ever since. I can’t go back and change what has happened, but I can say I am sorry. I was naïve. I listened to the teacher and did not give it another thought. Come to think of it, that is what gets me into a lot of problems, not thinking things through. Not looking at what the outcome could be. Trusting when I should approach things more cautiously. Again, there is nothing I can say but I am very sorry for tearing down your posters in the newsroom. What I did was wrong, and I should have been more thoughtful. But my biggest apology goes to Rajean. Rajean Campbell Blomquist you should have been the editor in chief that senior year. I had no business being put over a newspaper. How that must have hurt you. How ever did you manage to work your way through our senior year as news editor? But you did it well and you excelled far after high school. Rajean went on to earn a communications degree and worked for some of the most prestigious positions in the Ohio area. She was an awesome spokesperson and coordinator for major events such as the Dayton Air Show. She has met many famous people and has excelled in ways that I could only dream of.

God took this high school life experience and turned it into something wonderful for Rajean. Ironically, she is on my Facebook page. For the life of me, I don’t understand why she would even want to be on my FP page. We comment on each other’s post. Offer prayers and encouragement. I have come to find her to be one of the nicest people I knew in HS and afterwards. Rajean, I know everything turned out well for you but I still want to tell you how sorry I am over what happened. Thank you for being my friend to this day. It just goes to show what a good person you are. Ironically, I put into place the things taught to me in the symposium and they turned out to be the opposite of everything that was already there. What I learned and what was being practiced clashed on a daily basis. I soon learned there were many ways to do things and what I learned was not welcomed. Mr. Muniz came to regret his decision as I regretted ever trying to be a part of the newspaper. There was more than one time that he dragged me to the principal’s office not that anything came from it. I did make quite a stir with my editorials but when it came to managing a newspaper staff, one symposium does not equip a person.

Looking back at it all, I was so clueless. I do wish I could go back, not to relive it necessarily but to look at it and try to understand it from where I am in life now. From what I know. Maybe, in some way, it would bring understanding, revelation, and closure in some parts of my life.

So, why do I bring all this up? Maybe its just a way to purge part of my soul. To clean out some of the areas that have been troubling me over the years. There are plenty more where these memories and events have come from. It is certainly not an exhaustive list of mistakes or experiences. Instead, it is just a start. A springboard of sorts. I have a long, long, long way to go. If we were honest, most of us probably have a long, long, way to go. I believe we can learn about ourselves by looking at our past, how we handled or didn’t handle things. By looking at what happened to us after our formative years. Everything we experience builds up and forms us in multiple ways. What we do with it impacts us for the rest of our lives. What does this mean for us biblically? Jesus certainly knew we would experience challenges within our relationships with others. He grew up and experienced life as a child, teenager, and adult. Granted, Jesus’s era was not the same as my era, but people are pretty much the same on how they respond. We make mistakes, we say things and do things we should not, we hurt one another (intentionally and unintentionally), we form friendships, make enemies, and form / break social circles. But the important thing to remember is that we are all made in the image of God. We are all children of God. And we can all learn from our experiences and one another. Part of learning and growing comes in the way of discovering and recognizing when we have made a mistake or have hurt one another. We can’t always go back and talk to that person about hurting them. In some cases, It could be down right dangerous to your health. But there is something we can do. First, we can pray to God and admit what we have done, asking for forgiveness. If it is possible, reach out and apologize to that person. If it is not possible to find that person then write it out, apologize on paper. Speaking the words or writing them down helps to bring the wrong into the light for God to cleanse. When you share with others, satan cannot use it against you anymore. For God forgives. He comforts, He gives peace, and He guides. There are so many things that I have done wrong. There are so many people I have hurt. Many of those hurts and wrongs I am afraid to bring into the light. I am afraid to share and confront. But this is a start. So today, I bring the wrongs that I have mentioned out into the light.

Dear Lord, please forgive me of my actions, behaviors, and the hurt that I caused to Marcy, Scott, Rajean, and the girl who owned the rock concert posters. Thank you for whatever lessons I have learned and will learn. Please bless these people and help them to excel in Your name. Thank you for your cleansing blood because I certainly need it, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Love, Janet Is there something or someone that is laying on your heart? God forgives. Reach out to Him today. Peace, Janet