Formation Two Continued. In the Heat of the Battle – What do You Want from Me?

My second year in formation classes took me to hell and back. The class topics and papers weren’t so much the problem. The problem came from my field internship and my ever-increasing family commitments. Remember, spiritual formation happens as we live our lives.

I had made the hard choice to step away from the fieldwork education site that I had selected at the beginning of the school year. After searching for a new site without success, I had to face reality, the reality that I had left back in 2015. I decided to contact the new church start and see if they had room for a seminary student who needed to do a field internship. The answer was yes. I found a new mentor, a female this time, and I began my new internship during the second half of the school year.

To say it was difficult stepping back into that new church start for the first time would be an understatement. The new pastor and his friend were well situated in their roles. My old friends were established with the new pastor and worship leader. I was an outsider to most people there. I met with the pastor and we talked about opportunities. I had social media experience and they were in need of social media. I took over the Facebook page and website. I began livestreaming services every Sunday and this became my field internship for the rest of the second year.

As the second half of the year progressed, I grew restless. I should have been happy, but I felt anger and resentment. I could feel that “root” of bitterness taking hold and growing inside me. Here I was, at the same church start that I thought would become my full-time ministry. Instead, I was running an iPad every Sunday morning, livestreaming the services. This was far from what I envisioned for me.

The people were nice. The pastor was nice. The worship leader, well, that was a strained relationship. I was told that there would be room for more ministry in the future, but I just wasn’t satisfied. I sometimes got mixed signals from the pastor and elder. I met with the pastor several times and provided a list of ideas that went nowhere. I had all this energy and ideas, but they fell on silent ground. I felt turmoil inside of me. Something was not right inside of me. Over the weeks, it worsened.

My life became more complicated as my parent’s health kept declining. One Sunday it was mom, the next it was dad. My ability to leave the house or plan an activity became less and less. I was needed more at home. My plans would be cancelled or never materialize. I was living my life minute to minute, never knowing when something might go sour with my parents’ health.

My anger grew more and more in all directions. My reality was changing before my eyes and I was not ready for it. I was not able to accept what was happening in my life. My parents were needing more help and supervision and I was and still am the only one they have. I was not ready to give up any more of my life, yet it was happening whether I wanted it to or not.

My field internship ended in May of 2017. I was free. I no longer had to stay at the start up church that became a place of torment for my soul. I stayed on for as long as I could, but my anger and distancing worsened. I finally came to realize that my struggle was two-fold.

My first realization involved the church I was trying to call home and do ministry at. This pastor was living my dream. He was in a new church start with his best friend. He wasn’t even ordained. My fleshly self was in a war over my desires and my dreams. This should have been mine. This is what I wanted but I could not have it.

To make matters worse, my availability to have my own church was being sucked away from the fact that I no longer could do as I pleased. My parents needed me, and my freedom was quickly disappearing.

I felt as if I was in an all-out war. My insides were torn up from the floor up. My anger grew every day. I began to struggle with my calling. Was I actually called? Was this all some big mistake? I have spent years doing ministry. What went wrong? What did I miss?

I continued to struggle and war within myself through the summer and fall of 2016. I was so sure of my call going into seminary. I knew that was what I was supposed to do. By the spring of 2017, I had no idea which end was up, and I was a hairs breath away from walking away from it all, including God.

I searched for answers. I listened to multiple sermons on Sunday mornings and all through the week as I could no longer leave the house due to my parent’s health worsening. I would make notes of when I thought I heard something in a sermon that was meant for me.

I had reached a point during the second half of my second year of formation where I could not take it anymore. I had to have answers. I just could not go on anymore. I cried out to God, more in anger than in a seeking heart. I had two question for Him. The first, was I called. The second, what did He want from me.

I had made up my mind. At the end of Formation Two that I was going to walk away. I was finished. We would have our last group class session together and that would be the end of it. I was not just going to walk away from seminary, but I was going to walk away from God too. I was done.

The time for our last class came. It was a time to receive feedback from our fellow cohorts.. The formation instructor left me for last that night. Normally, I am the first to volunteer or jump in, but my mental and spiritual state left no room to be an over achiever that night. I was empty. I was angry. I was ready to disappear in the vastness after we finished our class.

I never told anyone in my cohort what I was experiencing that year. No one knew of my struggles. Even my weekly reflection reports were anemic at best. This was my war and I had asked no one for help. I was ashamed. I fully believed that I had made a mistake and that I had just wasted two years of my life and a hell of a lot of money.

I sat in front of my computer, dreading what was to come. My feet and hands were tapping. I just wanted it to end so I could go on with my life, whatever that looked like in the future. It was now my turn to hear from my cohort group. I do not remember much about it, I just remember the first person who spoke, my dear friend Wade.

Wade was one of the few in my cohort that I trusted and deeply cared about. The words Wade spoke pierced me like a knife, “You are called and don’t ever forget it.” He continued along the same lines, confirming what I had asked from God. Tears filled my eyes. He had no idea what he had just done. He went on saying that he knew he had to say it and more, but I don’t even remember (at least consciously) what he said after that initial sentence. I just knew that God just used my dear friend to answer my first question to God at a time when I was ready to walk away. You are called.

Ministry as a Spiritual Discipline

It was during year two that I had to come to accept some very hard realizations. With these realizations came acceptance and decisions, decisions that would affect me for the years to come. My parents were not getting any younger. Both had/have multiple medical conditions and cognitive conditions that require supervision and care. I was and still am the only care giver for my parents.

As much as I wanted to be back in full time ministry, my responsibilities to my parents would not allow it during this season in my life. Not only did I have to deal with and swallow the cold hard fact that my dream of running a church was not going to happen in the ministry setting where I currently was, but I also had to come to accept that I would no longer have the freedom to come and go from home as I chose.

My parents were quickly turning into 24/7 care and I was that care person. Over the next year, I lost the ability to leave the house for any extended amount of time. My ministry is now at home caring for my parents, doing online ministry, and preparing for the next phase of my life.

God knew this was going to happen. The hard part was my coming to acceptance that my dreams of ministry were going to have to be on pause. I was needed elsewhere. Harder yet, was the relinquishing of my life to care for another. In my case, caring for two. It has taken me quite a while to come to terms with putting my life on hold, but it was the right decision.

Ministry is a privilege. We are all gifted with abilities and skills to be used for the kingdom. The problem is most Christians feel they are either not capable of doing ministry, they do not have the skills, or they choose not to spend their time doing ministry.

Jesus came to serve, not be served. If we are in the process of spiritual formation and we desire to transform ourselves into the image of Christ, isn’t ministry a part of that transformation? Ministry takes on many forms. There is church ministry where someone may sing in the choir or be part of the band. There is the ever important and much dreaded children’s ministry or nursery, a ministry that is always in need.

Ministry may come in the form of working on another person’s car for them. There is the preparing of food, cleaning the church, cutting a neighbor’s grass, or driving someone to medical appointments. When we are serving one another, we are representing God and being the hands and feet of Jesus.

There are as many ministries as you can dream up. The important thing about ministry is discovering your skills, gifts, and passions. When you find your passion and you pair it up with the gifts God gave you, you are in the will of God. Discovering your passion comes from searching your heart and following where God leads you.

Ministry also occurs through our occupations. Nurses offer care and comfort to patients. Surgeons and physicians heal those who are sick. No job or occupation is left out when it comes to ministering to others. Simply being there for someone and helping them pick out the right color of paint for their bedroom makes an impact on that person’s life. No act of kindness is too small, especially in a world so full of hate and deceit. Now, more than ever, people need to see the smile on your face and the glow of Jesus.

Not every ministry is for everyone. Each of us have our own spiritual gifts and talents. The Holy Spirit gives us our gifts. God arranges our lives to give us the experiences we need to fulfill our ministry. Our gifts, skills, and ministries change and develop over the years. What was once a perfect fit may become uncomfortable or no longer attainable and a new ministry takes its place.

There are times when we are set on the sidelines. Our body, mind, and soul may need rest. We may experience a trauma that takes us out of our ministry for a season. Family commitments may take center stage for a time.

No matter where we are in our season of ministry, we have the opportunity for growth and transformation, even if we feel we are in a spiritual desert. God’s timing is never wrong. God’s plan for our life is never wrong. Accepting God’s timing and decision on what our ministry will be and when our ministry is going to begin is part of spiritual formation. We often fight for what we believe is rightfully ours. We think we should know when our ministry should begin but we are not and ever were in control.

Spiritual formation when it comes to ministry can be treacherous, even for the seasoned believer. Ministry is not about us but about God. It is about His children and caring for others as He would care for us. It is quite easy to get caught up in the accolades of a successful ministry. It is easy for us to say it is about God when it is really about us and our accomplishments, our dreams, and our desires.

To effectively practice ministry as a spiritual discipline, it must be about Jesus. It must be based on God’s timing and His ministry choice for us. Otherwise, it is not a spiritual discipline, it’s just an act that glorifies the self.

When preparing yourself to enter a ministry opportunity, pray for guidance. Have a sense of peace with the ministry you are considering. Understand what the commitment requires. Be sure to ask yourself the hard questions. Can you stick with it? Can you work the hours for the ministry into your schedule? Are you excited about it? We often become excited at the beginning of something new just to become tired with it or disillusioned after several weeks.

Are your gifts and skills being utilized? It is okay to try out various ministries, in fact, it is encouraged. Stepping out of your box may reveal hidden gifts, skills, and passions. Give yourself time and room to grow. As we mature in our faith, our abilities and gifts change and grow. Remember, spiritual formation is a journey. The journey includes growing and developing in one’s abilities and gifts related to ministry.

Where are you now in your spiritual journey? Are you where you thought you would be? Did your 5-year and 10-year plan work out for you? What surprised did you experience? How did you handle the surprises? Did you surprise yourself with how you handled the surprise? It’s time to be real and be honest here. Feel free to comment and start a conversation.

Peace,

Janet